Sunday, February 17, 2008

Attack of the Clones

12:47 starting Attack of the Clones. I cringed as I put the dvd in the player. I like this movie well enough as long as I tell myself it’s a short film about a computer generated yoda kicking some ass in a lightsaber battle. But faced with the truth, ugh.

12:53 Hi yoda. You’re looking awfully computer generated today.

12:56 man, lucas can't write a love scene.

12:58 I wish Hayden Christiansen were a better actor, but I'm not sure Olivier could deliver those lines convincingly.

1:01 ew yucky killer poinsonous worm things. I’m eating here, people.

1:02 Ewen MacGregor jumps out the window and grabs on to the flying droid thing that brought the poison worm things. You gotta love a guy who jumps through a window eleventy million feet above ground level. Bounty hunter shoots him, he falls, Ani catches him. You gotta be impressed with the little shit.

1:10 Obiwan tells Ani that you’re going to be the death of me. I groan. It’s not foreshadowing if we already know what’s going to happen, George.

1:20 Obiwan goes to a space diner. Slick and groovy. Like some of the scenes in the franchise books. Maybe a little too USA 1950s, but nice nonetheless.

1:24 The mini jedis are adorable even though Lucas insists on calling them younglings.

1:38 Ani spouts some facist crap at Padme. Is it any wonder she falls in love with him? Sigh.

1:44 Anikin acts like loving Padme makes him physically ill. So sexay.

1:50 I like baby Boba Fett. He’s more like what you’d expect a baby Darth Vader to be like—using his dad’s spaceship to shoot at a Jedi. Don't fuck with Baby Boba.

1:55 Kenobi follows the Fetts into an asteroid field and the Fetts blow up stuff. This is cool. The dialog is not.

2:01 Hi Uncle Owen! Hi Aunt Beru!

2:04 Anikin rides Uncle Owen’s moterbike through sci fi backdrops to rescue his mom as Kenobi sneaks around a battle droid factory. That looks perilous. Think they’re going to have a fight there later?

2:07 Anikin’s mom dies approximately30 seconds after he shows up to rescue her. Man that’s some bad timing he has. Or good timing. He could’ve shown up 5 minutes later.

2:09 aaaaaaaaand anikin turns evil and starts killing sand people. There we go. Proto-vader needs to be kicking some ass to take the edge off those bad love scenes.

2:12 Ani does the pouty whiny baby I killed them all scene. I read that Hayden played the secene several different ways and this is the one Lucas picked. Oh, George. Any other approach to this scene would’ve worked better. Where’s the gin? Isn’t it 5 o’clock somewhere?

2:14 I realize that we only have another half hour of this movie and rejoice in my heart.

2:18 How can a movie with so little JarJar be so annoying. Mike informs me that we have more like 50 minites left. I die a little inside.

2:19 Saruman visits Kenobi floating in a force field. Why does George Lucas hate me so much? Did Ewen Macgregor piss him off or something? That does not look comfortable.

2:21 Darth Sidious? That’s just embarrassing. Can't the biggest badest bad guy ever come up with a cooler name?

2:24 They're sending ALL the jedi to go rescue obiwan? Is that necessary? Have they lost their ability to come up with a good plan along with their ability to access the force?

2:26 oh look, perilous battle in the droid factory. Who coulda guessed? Mike is suddenly reminded of Super Mario.

2:28 Even threepio’s whining is more annoying in this movie.

2:29 wow. They sure are in a lot of peril.

2:34 Stupid jedis. Ani and Obiwan just watch the big monsters approach to come and eat them while Padme picks the lock of her handcuffs and frees herself. Useless jedi.

2:36 Isn't Baby Boba too young to be watching a public execution where the victims get ripped apart by CGI monsters? That’s just some bad parenting, there.

2:38 That’s some bad ass monster going after Obiwan.

2:39 The jedis all show up, light their lightsabers and strike a pose. Don't just stand there, do some rescuing! OK that crowd of jedi running to meet the crowd of battle druids is cool.

2:43 As cool as this battle is, are we there yet?

2:45 That’s right bitches. Yoda is here with a clone army to kick your asses. Don’t fuck with yoda is what I’m saying.

2:46 Baby Boba Fett picks up his dad’s helmet (Sam Jackson cut his head off) and yet the head doesn’t fall out of the helmet. I know it should, so it’s still gross.

2:47 I seem to lose my will to live and Mike reminds me that the cool yoda fight is coming soon. I rally.

2:49 ooh death star plans.

2:50 Chrisopher Lee on a motor scooter. That’s just undignified.

2:56 yoda shows up to fight Christopher lee. Finally!

2:59 ooh, that yoda. He bad. He badder than Sam Jackson. If there were motherfucking snakes on yoda’s motherfucking plane, that movie woulda been only an hour because he woulda kicked those snakes asses so quickly.

3:03 you’d really think that a clothes horse like Amidala would have a better wedding dress.

3:04 God, isn’t this movie over yet?



  1. OH MY DOG I am in pain just from reading that.

    You SO have to watch with film with the RiffTrax running. :)

  2. Thank you! Not only did this crack me up, it's also been like Cliffs Notes so I can understand what the heck my little Star-Wars-addicted boys are talking about when they corner me to talk about these characters.


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