Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Phantom Menace



We started 15 minutes late due to last minute cleaning, but we had a schedule to keep and knew that we couldn't put off The Phantom Menace much longer.

10:20 AM
Man, that’s some bad dialogue. “Are you brain dead?” Is Lucas 12? Jeez.

10:27 AM
Did JarJar just say Exsqueeze me? Lucas *is* 12. Or maybe 8. You want to defend the guy and then he hits us with dialogue like that. Both the bad guys and JarJar were allegedly racist. Nah. Lucas wasn’t being insensitive. Just lazy. They sound like languages made up by little kids—maybe his kids talked like that when they were seven. I mean, “How rude?” is a callback to that stupid Olsen Twins show (Full House). It’s still insulting and offensive. Just not to specific demographic. It’s insulting to the intelligence of everyone watching. I guess we should be relieved that we don’t have any aliens speaking pig latin.

After Phantom Menace first came out, I read a fan essay online arguing that JarJar actually does have a purpose. The empire are all about sameness (no women or aliens on star destroyers). But the rebellion and the republic include everyone. Inclusiveness counts everyone, including annoying people like JarJar. This of course was before JarJar was suckered into suggesting to the senate that they make Palpatine Emperor.

Does inclusiveness include people who hand evil the keys to the castle because they’re just so stupid? Unfortunately, I think it does. Being a liberal ain’t easy and it doesn’t mean I have to like him, but if I want to keep up the whole liberals are just nicer people thing, then I have to tolerate him. I still want to throw things at the TV everytime he opens his mouth. People whose politics I completely disagree with still deserve the right to vote, but I don’t have to listen to their nonsense over dinner. Too bad I can’t change the subject to "Wow, These Sweet Potatoes are Tasty" or "Shut Up JarJar".

10:40 AM
A battle droid just got lippy and clever with the jedis. Sigh. Lucas was just trying to to get the cool kids to like him. If only he had just embraced his geekitude instead of writing dialogue that sounds like it was written by Paris Hilton.

10:44 AM
The decoy queen asking Padme/the real queen to clean up R2D2 is just pushy. But Hi R2! Good to see you little buddy!

10:45 AM
It’s a good thing we bought lots of snacks for today. It’s too early to break out the gin and I'm going to need something to help me get through this. Our one guest who’s enough of a completist that he was going to try to get here in time for it all, has to go to a memorial service. So we have no idea how long it’ll be until someone else actually turns up. Here’s little Ani. Mopheaded kid. But all kids are cute. I bet Hitler was adorable when he was 4. That’s the point of starting out when the character is so young, but I still don’t know whether I want to pinch his cheek or give him a cookie and send him out of my sight. At least the kid can act in a fake language.

10:51 AM
Oh god, another jarjar scene. I'm starting to understand why people sounded insulted when we invited them.

10:54 AM
Hi Threepio! Nice to see you. If only they had fit you into the film in a different way and earlier, we wouldn’t need jarjar at all. Droids are comic relief, Lucas, not computer generated dumbasses. 3PO says the floor is not entirely stable in a callback to Empire. In writing classes, when they talk about how you’re going to end up having to cut out your favorite bits, this is what they mean, George. I really like the spinning bit inside 3PO's head, but there’s no way that the dust wouldn’t get in all of his inside parts and make them not work. I can only suspend my disbelief so much.

10:59 AM
Oh, the big hearted little moppet wants to help the jedi win the money to fix their ship. So heartwarming I may hurl.

11:01 AM
This 14 hour fete still seems like a bad idea.

11:02 AM
Oh no, the virgin birth nonsense. LaLaLaLaLa.

11:04 AM
Why are they letting jarjar touch the pod racer? Clumsy people + important stuff that's breakable = broken important stuff. Apparently, jedi are stupid. No wonder the midiclorians created someone to turn evil and give them the smackdown.

11:13 AM
Hi Jabba! Hey, that blue haired chick is wearing princess leia’s gold bikini. It’s pod race time. This scene is cool. Really, the best way to watch these movies is to watch the good parts and sing lalalalalalala during the rest.

11:17 AM
Zooming, zooming, more zooming. Tuskan Raiders shooting at the racers. This is what we do for fun on Tattoine, bitch!

11:29 AM
The kid’s like 7 and he’s leaving his mother forever. Ouch. Could’ve been better written, but at least it’s not painfully sappy.

11:35 AM
Padme and Anikin care for each other?!?! Oh that hurts. Bad, bad dialogue. Why, why, why, did Lucas feel it was necessary to foreshadow them falling in love and doing it when he grows up. Ew ew ew.

11:37 AM
Hi Adminral Zod! I really wish Terence Stamp coulda played the chancellor in his Priscilla Queen of the Dessrt drag.

11:40 AM
Hi Yoda! You’re looking very puppety today. Hi Sam Jackson! Are there motherfucking snakes on your motherfucking spaceship?

11:43 AM
This is so bad, I want snacks.

11:52 AM
Wow that’s one stupid jedi council. They’d rather let a really powerful and possibly dangerous kid run rampant instead of training him and keeping an eye on him. I really wanna pop them one.

11:58 AM
The gungan leader was voiced by Brian Blessed. This explains the bombasticness. The world makes just a little bit more sense now.

12:02 PM
Mike (His Awesomeness) points out that Liam Neeson is the only one who got out of his movie with his dignity intact. Even thw CG battle drois were embarrassed.

12:07 PM
I don’t care what anyone says. Any movie with a double lightsaber isn’t all bad

12:11 PM
Why do jedi always have to do battle in someplace so perilous? Aren’t lightsabers dangerous enough without forcefields and dangerous drops and stuff. These guys are such dangermonkeys.

12:16 PM
JarJar surrenders by saying "My Give Up". It’s so funny that it’s almost worth having to listen to him for the rest of the movie. Almost.

12:17 PM
Poor Darth Maul. So awesome. So underutilized. So about to be cut in half.

12:19 PM
Ani quips as he destroys the droid control ship. Mike says he misses the subtly and wit of Mark Hamill.

12:24 PM
I realize that there we no girl gungans in this whole movie. Where do baby gungans come from?

12:25 PM
Closing credits. Thank god that’s over.

We make peanut butter & jelly for lunch while singing the Star Wars theme a la Bill Murray. Also put out veggies and dip because I don’t know how much longer I can last without nibbles to take the edge off.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my god that was funny! Pretty much sums up my feelings on the movie too. Ha ha! I'm still giggling over your post!

    ReplyDelete

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