Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Open Letter to People Who Need to Fuck Off

To the super of my apartment building:

That overwhelming lemon scented cleaner you use to mop the halls? The stuff that's so strong that I have trouble breathing INSIDE MY APARTMENT when you've mopped outside my front door and are already 2 floors below? The stuff that is still making the elevator reek 9 hours later?

The fume-a-liciousness tells me that that stuff's really toxic and killing us all, so dilute that shit or I'm calling in those How Clean is Your House ladies from across the pond and they'll have you squeezing hundreds of real lemons to make your own non-toxic floor cleaner.

To the guy I sat next to on the subway this morning:

When there is a complete stranger sitting squished close to you, trying to read a magazine, or do oh, anything that is not listening to you humming to yourself, singing to yourself and banging the beat of a song out on your own thighs, it's considered poor form to, you know, do that stuff. The morning commute is overcrowded and unpleasant enough. Working my last nerve before I've had my second cup of coffee is hazardous to your health.

To the bruise on the back of my right hand:
Where the hell did you come from? You would think that I'd remember hitting my hand hard enough to bruise. But since I don't, you don't exist, so go away, bruise.

And now a word to people who do not need to fuck off:

To the young woman on the subway this morning who was standing even though there was a seat and even moved aside so that I could sit in it:
Maybe you preferred standing to sitting squished between 2 people. Maybe you were keeping your distance from the guy who was humming and singing to himself. My aching knees thank you and karma will reward you.

To Mallomars:
Welcome back darlings, I have missed you so. (They're unavailable in the warm months because of the meltyness. I buy one box a year to hail their return and then spend months living an unnecessarily Mallomar-less existence. Maybe this'll be the year I cut loose and buy 2 boxes in 9 months.)

Anyone else? If you know anyone or anything that does or does not need to fuck off, let's hear it!


  1. Wow, this is even better than Nixon's enemies list.

    Here's a knitting-related item to item: all those high-end yarn companies that sell balls/skeins of yarn with knots in them. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Noro and Rowan.) You guys should know better.

  2. You're the bomb! I love your writing.

    To cable companies that tease you with channels and then take them away, and lie to you about extra equipment you need for a "low" monthly charge, I'm not falling for it. I'm sticking with my basic cable.


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