Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wood Chippers

OK, so my husband does this online radio show, The Wonder Show. It's a continuation of an actual radio show they did in their post-college days in St. Louis.

It's wacky. Feel free to have a listen or not. That's not the point.

The point is that about a month ago, they did a show where all 3 of them were stuffed into a wood chipper by William H. Macy. You've all seen Fargo. You get the joke.

And so do I. Except that I also saw a snippet of a movie on Lifetime. I can't track down the name of this thing. But there was a big wind storm. And this couple was in the yard. And the wind blew the edge of the guy's jacket into the wood chipper. Which was on.

Why they had a wood chipper running during a wind storm and why they were standing near it is a mystery for the ages. Or perfectly explained in the first hour and 45 minutes of the movie.

OK, so the guy's jacket gets caught in the wood chipper and it starts pulling him into certain horrible death by woodchipper.

Why there is no emergency stop button, or why the wife didn't run and unplug the damn thing? Another mystery, probably required by the plot.

So what does the guy do as he's being pulled into the wood chipper? He probably made some attempt to get out of his jacket. But he quickly realizes that he won't be able to escape a chippery death. So what does he say to his wife as he is pulled offscreen?

I love yoooooouuuuuuuuu.

It was both the most disturbing and the funniest thing I've seen ever.

After that episode of The Wonder Show, I made my husband promise:
  1. that we will never own a wood chipper
  2. that he will never stand anywhere near any wood chippers at locations that we may be visiting
  3. that if, despite following promises 1 and 2, he gets his clothes caught in a wood chipper, he endeavors to turn the fucking thing off
  4. The Wonder Show DJs will avoid fictional wood chippers
So, what ridiculous stuff has made you forever scared of something?


  1. One more wood chipper item to consider:

    Following the wood chipper episode of the Wonder Show, the 3 hosts were brought back to life partially thanks to the station engineer's ability to meticulously re-assemble their shavings into bodies. Re-assembling a chipped corpse... sound crazy? Of course it does. But not too crazy for "CSI: Miami", which the following week, aired an episode in which David Crusoe and his team of pencil-necks has to re-assemble a chipper victim. They had a gleaming table with a tape body outline, and a squad of lab-coated experts buzzing around, all in the comfort of a lab that was lit like a nightclub.

    Turns out that every day at 7 AM, the tree-trimmer would show up at his job site - a wealthy neighborhood - and out of pure class envy, turn on the noisy chipper, then LEAVE. Whether he was going to get coffee, a breakfast burrito, or to hit the can, I can't remember. But he wanted to wake up all those rich sleeping slackers. The sleeping pricks!! Of course during his chipper break, someone fell in. And the poor worker idiot got hit with involuntary manslaughter charges.

    That's as much as I felt like watching. I'll never know if David Crusoe and his intrepid team managed to actually resurrect their chipper victim, ala the Wonder Show DJs. Somehow, I doubt it. Despite the fact that the Wonder Show's entire production budget is less than Crusoe's sunglasses budget, they still can't do on TV what internet radio can deliver.

    Which brings me to my worst fear - anonymity. We try, try, try to do a quality radio show, by gum, but still we cannot get the ratings of a crummy "CSI: Miami" summer rerun that may or may not have stolen our wood chipper ideas. I've been at this for far too long to end up ignored! Thanks for the shout-out, Jen! And good luck avoiding the chippers.

    - Jim the Radio Guy

  2. My neighbor has a wood chipper, and I get to borrow it twice a year to... well, chip wood. Those may be my two favorite days each year.

    I think Peg secretly hopes I get caught in it somehow so she can tell me that she TOLD me to be careful, but did you listen - no, of course not, you NEVER listen to me, and now you want me to listen to YOU just because you're yelling HELP and maybe this is just what you DESERVE for ignoring me when I asked you for that glass of water the other night I mean it wouldn't have KILLED YOU to get up and get it so now seee how YOU like it and... um, Karl, where did you go?


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