Wednesday, July 7, 2010


So I went to the Emergency Room on Tuesday. Here's how it went down:
  1. Hey, my thigh looks kinda weird.
  2. Poke, poke.
  3. Hmm...painful swelling in that one spot. I didn't hurt myself there, so WTF?
  4. Hmm...could be a dangerous and potentially fatal blood clot. I should look that up online. Maybe I'm wrong.
  5. I should call my doctor after breakfast.
  6. Make breakfast.
  7. Begin to eat breakfast.
  8. OK, so the internet agrees about the clot, but also says it could be a varicose vein about to happen (oh, joy) or a rare disease only found in the elderly. Or a bunch of other stuff that it isn't.
  9. Yeah, I'd better call my doctor for an emergency appointment just to confirm that I'm not going to drop dead today.
  10. Take a vitamin, take another vitamin.
  11. Shooting, crushing pain up to my jaw and down my left arm.
  12. OK, now you're just having a panic attack. Cut that the fuck out.
  13. Apparently, I don't have that kind of power over my body.
  14. My arm is shaking and looks kinda scary. I think I'll just put these vitamins down and call my parents for a ride to the hospital.
  15. Because I am totally in a condition to be calming my mom the fuck down right now. I'll call an ambulance.
  16. After I get ready. There's a lot of waiting time in an emergency room.
  17. And drink my tea. I'll get a migraine if I don't and the pain's gone, so no need to rush.
  18. Start to gather things and plug in cell phone because of course it's almost out of juice.
  19. Call HA, yelling about where did he put my water bottle because I need it for the Emergency Room.
  20. Gather things, including a book to pass the time. Decide that contact lenses can wait until after I call 911 and put them in my purse.
  21. Call 911, unlock door as per dispatcher's instructions (in case I collapse and can't let them in.)
  22. Get dressed and wait for ambulance.
  23. Read blogs to keep calm.
  24. Resist urge to stop by my Farmtown farm to harvest the cows and hens since that would be fucked up.
And so forth. The heart monitor on the ambulance confirmed that I hadn't had a heart attack, so that was nice. That part was a panic attack after all. The hospital ran some tests including an ultrasound of my leg veins, since I was right about that whole needing to rule out blood clots.

So no clots or anything else to freak out over, but I was given stern advice to follow up with the regular doctor, which I'm totally gonna do because it still hurts and I don't know what the fuck it is.

HA joined me in the ER and when they let me go (and not a nanosecond before), we called my parents for a ride home.

Now, let me make it clear. It's not that I don't want to see my Mom, but I didn't want to freak her out unnecessarily. My Mom isn't usually a hysterical lunatic, but when it comes to her kids, it's a whole different ball game. It's much better for everyone that I didn't call her saying that I was just heading over to the ER to make sure I wasn't going to suddenly drop dead. Just trust me on this. Or take my brother's word for it. I called him that evening so he'd hear about it all from me.

Me: I didn't call Mom until it was time to go home.
My Brother: Right on. Good call.

I come by my high-strungness honestly, is what I'm saying.

While we were waiting for the doctor to come and talk to us about the test results, HA told that I'd be getting ice cream. I said wha? and he explained that's what the song says.

He then brought up the Hospital from the Fat Albert record, which he had on his iPhone, placed his headphones on my head and played it. It does, indeed, promise ice cream.

I was issued hazelnut gelato when we got home. But I still think I'm going to need some Carvel or Mister Softee. The song is stuck in my head, and every time I hear it in my brain, I want more ice cream.


  1. So, what the fuck *is* wrong with your leg?

  2. The doctor said muscle strain, which I don't quite believe, since I didn't do anything strenuous the day before. We'll see what my regular doctor turns up.

  3. Yikes! What an adventure. Totally agree on the waiting to call the parents thing. I went to the ER once when I was in grad school (got to ride in the ambulance and everything--wooo!), and once I got in I called my parents. The first thing I said was "Hi, I'm in the hospital," and they just about had heart attacks. Not the best opening words, I realized later. Hope your leg thing turns out all right!


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