Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Showering in the Stream of Consciousness

Yesterday I stepped into the shower without my glasses on. Which, well yeah, of course I took my glasses off. But I usually wear my contact lenses in the shower even though you're not supposed to because you can lose them, which has happened to me exactly zero times in 26 years of wearing contact lenses. Without them, I can see clearly for about 3 inches past my nose and what is I want to shave my legs? They're way the hell down there where I can't see without my contacts or contortions that are dangerous to perform while standing on wet porcelain. And pink eye=no contacts=glasses.

OK, so I stepped into the shower.

  1. Oh crap, there's a roach on the soap.
  2. I'd better put on my glasses and deal with it.
  3. Gah!!!!!
  4. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Bee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. There is a bee hanging out, climbing up the side of HA's shampoo bottle.
  7. Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  8. Flash on this episode of the UK version of Coupling:
  9. Obtain disposable plastic cup and one of those magazine subscription cards, donning a bathrobe in the process because this isn't that sort of blog.
  10. Watch bee hang out on shampoo bottle, which of course, has no flat surfaces thereby prohibiting capture.
  11. Hey, I should take a picture of the bee for the blog.
  12. No, that might scare it and scared bees are sting-y bees. (Not stingy bees. It's not like I'm going to be asking the bee for a donation.)
  13. Wish we had a screen on the bathroom window, but we rent and the likelihood of receiving a window screen for a narrow (therefore nonstandard) window is less than the likelihood of the bee leaving of its own volition.
  14. Bee falls off shampoo bottle.
  15. Gah!!!!!! Where is it now???
  16. Move shampoo bottle and other items to the sink.
  17. Place cup over bee right before it starts climbing on the conditioner bottle.
  18. What the hell is it with this bee and Head and Shoulders?
  19. Am I being visited by a bee with dandruff?
  20. Because that would be horrible for a bee. Little dandruff flakes falling from it as it flies along, getting in the honey, the other bees back in the hive whispering behind her back. That's no way for a bee to live.
  21. Slip card under cup, thereby trapping the bee.
  22. Look up at the window, which is open at the top, too high for me to reach.
  23. Open bedroom window, including screen, which doesn't want to stay up, but is staying up enough to fit the cup through.
  24. Those keeping kids from falling out of the window guards will make this difficult, but I'll manage.
  25. Observe bee in cup, not freaking out too badly.
  26. Start to lift cup and card. Realize that card is flimsy and could allow bee escapage.
  27. Slip several other magazine subscription cards underneath the card.
  28. Release bee into the wild.
  29. Except that I didn't see it fly away.
  30. It's not on the cards.
  31. Is it in the cup? Eek!
  32. It didn't seem to be in the cup, yet I managed to drop it out the window, so it's definitely gone now.
  33. Oops.
  34. Call HA.
  35. Say, "Bee!!!!!!!!!!!!" as soon as he answers.
  36. Request and receive assurances of my awesome bravery.