Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sonofabitch!

As I've discussed before the lack of posting is due to migraines. As much as some of you have missed reading my writing more often, I've missed not being in agonizing pain even more.

So to make the lack of pain happen, I went to a doctor who does a biofeedback-based treatment that identifies and treats food sensitivities (which can lead to all sorts of feeling unwell, including migraines). I'm feeling much better and more energetic, so if you've been feeling at all run down or less than awesome and live in the area, give them a try.

We also did a scan for migraine triggers. I may be also been cured of those triggers, but it's hard to say since I screwed up my medications and have had 3 migraines since them because I'm a dumbass and not because I ate anything specific.

But the triggers. There were many, many, many foods on the list of things that can give me migraines. Including lettuce and apples and Jeebus H, my body has got to be kidding me. I've decided to cut out foods that I scored over 40 (out of 200) on to be extra safe. Even trimming the list down, that means 40 foods.

Forty.

Judas priest.

  • Artichokes--feh, well OK, I can deal.
  • Bacon and hot dogs--I've been rocking the nitrate-free kind for a while, so OK.
  • Black walnut--the fuck? I have to pay attention to walnut varieties now?
  • Buttermilk--sigh. Anyone know of a reasonable substitute for marinating fried chicken?
  • Cashews, Pecans, pistachios, Peanuts and Peanut butter--I already knew about the cashews. Pass the almond butter.
  • Chestnuts--finally, one I don't care about!
  • Cod fish, red snapper, salmon, scallops, sole--Salmon? Seriously? Oh fer fuck's sake.
  • Coffee--oh, go fuck yourselves migraines. I've already switched to all tea this week, but this so blows.
  • Dried fruits--because heaven for-fucking-fend I should have a healthy snack.
  • Endive, fava beans, feta, figs, swiss cheese--fine, whatevs.
  • Grapefruit--Son of a Bitch!!!!!!
  • Green olive--seriously?
  • Hazelnut--harumph--looks like someone's husband gets to eat all the Nutella.
  • Honeydew melon--oh, fine.
  • Hops and Juniper berries--No beer or gin?! GIN?! I mean, I've stopped drinking because of the migraines anyway, but I've been dreaming of a gin an pomegranate juice. Pass the vodka.
  • Horseradish--which I actually really like, so--GAH!
  • Lemon--I already knew about this one too. This summer will be all limeade, all the time.
  • Lentils--By Shatner's toupee, what I am supposed to eat?
  • Miso, Soy sauce and teriyaki sauce--again, suggested substitutes for soy sauce would be awesome.
  • Snow peas--the hell?
  • Sour cream--OK, that's it. There is a line and I am drawing it. Sometimes a gal just needs some onion dip. I may attempt a cream creese/mayo substitute, but my hopes, they are not high.
  • White grape--which, what? Does that include green grapes which can grow up to be white wine? Has anyone ever seen a white grape in the supermarket?
  • Yogurt--again with the you have to be fucking kidding me. Yogurt? That stuff I'm supposed to eat everyday and do? Fine. I can only stand greek yogurt and that shizz ain't cheap, so fine.
You notice what's not on the list? Sugar. Milk. Pass the ice cream.