Monday, January 23, 2012

Field Notes from the Disco

Disco DrosselI wrote this years ago, pre-blog (as in, before blogs existed) and emailed it to some friends because I just had to share and had no other forum.

For your edification and entertainment, a report on my weekend:

So I visited a friend who lives up around Boston this weekend and we went dancing at some club in Saugus or some such place (because we decided that our time was better spent boogeying than driving all the way into Boston).

My friend teaches aerobics, goes out dancing almost every single weekend and is a fabulous dancer (as well as being pretty & having a nice body--a detail which will come into play shortly). So whenever we go dancing, she gets lots of attention (being one of the best dancers in the room, if not the best, plus the thin & pretty thing).

This gives me the additional entertainment of observing her would-be suitors.

Saturday night's would be suitor: tall, skinny suburban white guy, who danced like a tall, skinny suburban white guy.

Tactical error #1: Deliberately ogling and talking to his friends about Hot Girl in full view of her Fat Friend (Since I've stolen all my dance moves from her, I really do resemble a heavier version of her when we're out dancing).

A) Fat Friend will undoubtedly tell Hot Girl about this & maybe she's sick & tired of being ogled while she's dancing and possibly

B) Fat Friend could be bitter from not being ogled when out dancing and could pout & encourage Hot Girl to leave early. (Just a theoretical possibility that should not be ignored when dealing with Fat Friends of Hot Girls--THIS Fat Friend didn't give a rat's ass about being ogled as she was too busy rejoicing that the DJ was accomodating her & her friend's requests for cheesy disco songs--Abba, Bee Gees, sigh.)

Tactical error #2: Attempting to dance with Hot Girl without bringing over a friend to dance with the Fat Friend. This leaves the Fat Friend free to

A) rescue Hot Girl from lame guy following pre-arranged signals and

B) observe all his lame-ass attempts to get Hot Girl to like him so she may then report on same allowing Hot Girl & Fat Friend to laugh at him on the way home.

Tactical error #3: Failing to notice that he was not a very good dancer and that dancing in close proximity to Hot Girl/Dancing Queen results in making him look extra-dorky and making Fat Friend surreptitiously laugh really hard at him while still in the club.

Tactical error #4: Trying to endear himself to Hot Girl by making multiple attempts to do The Bump with the Fat Friend until she finally snaps & says, "You need to stay the fuck away from my ass." (It actually did my bitchy NYer's heart good to be mean to him, so he may actually get bonus points for this one.)

Tactical error #5: While wisely retreating during the playing of "I Will Survive", retreating all the way out the room, thus allowing Hot Girl & Fat Friend to leave completely unaccosted. Poor suitor must now wonder if he would've gotten Hot Girl's phone number if he had actually asked. This made extra-pathetic and tragic in light of:

Tactical Error #6: Suitor chose to pursue a Hot Girl who met her ex-husband while out dancing thereby rendering all his efforts (which may include going to the same club next week to look for her) completely useless (except, of course, for the boundless amusement provided to HotGirl and Fat Friend).

The best part was that my friend didn't notice any of this going on while we were at the club. Even the part when he indicated to me via gestures that he thought my friend was really hot. There was much laughing on the drive home as I described the above to her.

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