Friday, February 24, 2012

An Open Letter To Body Parts That Need to Fuck Off

Inspired by a Facebook exchange with Heidi Rettig.

Dear Whatever Part of My Neurological System That's Responsible for Migraines, aka Hector,

When I feel you starting your BS and I take a pill and you stop your nonsense, that does not mean that you get to throw a party while I'm sleeping so I wake up in excruciating pain. Douchebag.

How the hell am I supposed to record that in my migraine diary for my doctor? Is this the same migraine or a whole new one? Like you're not causing me enough actual headaches, now you're giving me administrative ones. I felt that whole prodrome migraine early warning symptoms thing Wednesday night BEFORE I'd decided that the last multi-day headache was even over. I thought migraines were a one at a time proposition. Ya big jerk.

And you just had to put me in the 30% of people whose migraines don't respond to Botox. You just had to be special, didn't you? If you weren't a body part I couldn't live without, I'd amputate your ass so fast.

Dear ovaries,

You produce enough hormones to give me migraines twice a month when the pill isn't chilling you out, on top of the non-hormonal migraines, of course. Yet you couldn't be assed to squeeze out an egg every month? Seriously, dudes? After 10 years on the pill, it's not like you're running out. Useless gits. In this economy, how does any one so incompetent hold onto their job?

And if you ever give me shit so that I have to have you removed even after all those years on the pill, I'm having the doctor save you for me so I can stomp on you. Either that or have you implanted in Rick Santorum. You deserve each other.

When I went for a routine sonogram to have you looked at because of my grandmother's ovarian cancer and the tech put in the report that she couldn't see you? Even when we went trans-vag-a-go-go? I still say the tech was an incompetent jerk, but I wouldn't put it past you to hide behind, I don't know, let's say the spleen because that's nowhere near where you are and that's just the kind of assholes you are.

Dear random pain on the side of my right ankle,

Like I don't have enough problems in my life? Just. shoo.

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