Friday, April 6, 2012


I've had upstairs neighbors before. I've even learned to tune it out when the woman upstairs walked around in high-heeled boots. Of course, we were across the street from an elevated subway station, so I was ignoring much louder sounds than shoes.

But this guy upstairs from me now...I just don't know. Maybe the noises keep getting my attention because I can't figure out what the hell they could possibly be. And since he & I both work at home, they happen at all hours of the day. And night. Seriously, man, what the fuck are you doing at 11 o'clock at night that causes that much noise but is clearly not romantic in nature?

Things that my upstairs neighbor could be doing to make all that noise

  • Twister.
  • Drunken Twister.
  • Naked drunken Twister.
  • Elephant bowling in which one rolls baby elephants at the pins.
  • Elephant bowling in which the elephants are rolling bowling balls at pins.
  • Rhinoceros hopscotch.
  • Training for the strongman competition where they race while moving giant tires by flipping them over.
  • Inventing a new sport in which competitors push a full clothes dresser across the room repeatedly.
  • Randomly dropping stuff because it's fun.
  • Dropping stuff because putting things down carefully is for losers.
  • Watching movies very loudly on surround sound in the middle of the day to drown out his ennui.
  • Modifying his cell phone so that he can hear it vibrating from 3 blocks away. (Seriously, when his phone is on vibrate, it sounds like a phone in my apartment is vibrating.)


  1. I'm guessing exercise. Just based on my past experience. It once took me months to figure out what my lady was doing - turned out it was step aerobics.


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