Friday, August 24, 2012

Back to School Shopping

No time for blogging since I've been clothes shopping practically every. fucking. day. Including the day The Kid moved into our home. I'll just say that there is a difference between owning a lot of clothes and owning clothes that one has not outgrown.

I'm sure you can imagine that the added stress has been awesome.

But allow me to share an insight that hit me in the dressing room at Macy's Herald Square.

My mother owes me an apology.

It certainly seemed that buying me school clothes when I was in high school was agonizing. But since I hadn't been brainwashed by the invention of skinny jeans, my mother had it so easy, she doesn't even know.

Most mothers and daughters fight while buying clothes because the daughter wants to push the envelope on what she's allowed to wear. Not me & my mom. Our problem was the ricockulous dress code at my high school. You see, the dumbassess in charge, in their infinite dumbassery, banned all pants with outside back pockets. Think about that for a moment. Their "logic," if I may insult logic by calling it that, was that by banning any pants that looked like jeans, they could easily identify any public school kids who'd snuck into the building to cause trouble. In my four years of high school, this happened exactly never times.

So my mom and I would go on these ludicrous quests for pants with no outside back pockets and when we found a pair, she'd be fed up and want me to just buy them already. I had the slightly higher standards of wanting my pants to also be flattering, and not polyester.

This is a problem that could've been solved by my mom handing me some cash and sending me on my way. She could've enjoyed the entire experience from the comfort of a fainting couch.

Leap ahead to the new millennium where, to paraphrase Patsy Stone, pants are so tight that the whole world's your gynecologist. I've managed to explain fit and drape to The Kid and I've quoted Michael Kors ("that crotch is insane!") more times than is healthy. She's at peace with the fact that you have to try everything on and you can walk into a dressing room with twenty items and end up buying three.

But we're completely at an impasse over one thing.

See those pants over there? She says they're too big. Absolutely refused to buy them.

Take a moment to absorb that.

The jeans are not completely tight around her ankles. Therefore, they are too big.

This could take an intervention from Tim Gunn, the entire What Not to Wear team and skinny jeans deprogramming team. And I'm still not confident they'd convince her that she's being a mite silly.

I'll be on the fainting couch if anyone needs me.


  1. Tell her to do some calf exercises and her muscles will take up the slack. (this coming from a woman with boys that will take dirty clothes back out of the laundry room and wear them....even if they stink.)

  2. I've got the same problem. J also assures me that she'll never be sexually assaulted because her pants are too tight and take forever for her to get into and out of.

  3. In my entire life I have seen two, count 'em, two pairs of pants without back pockets. You have to comb the earth to find pants without back pockets. I do not miss the outrageous stupidity of school administrators.


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