Monday, October 22, 2012

Imagine My Chagrin

Last Monday, I had a spot in my vision that wouldn't go away. Everything around the spot looked distorted, so it was annoying as fuck. Well, come to think of it since bringing a teenager into my apartment, I've discovered whole new levels of annoying, so I guess this was just annoying as hell in comparison to say, three episodes of Spongebob in a row.

So I googled "persistent spot in vision" and the internets told me that it was probably an ocular migraine or caused by leftover fluid from a cold. I get loads of migraines and it's been post-nasal drip a-go-go over here, so I figured that was it. I bought an eye patch so I could keep working (not seeing out of that eye means the spot isn't bothering me. I also discovered how awesome I look in an eye patch, took a picture and posted it to Facebook to show off. As you do.

Tuesday, I had an appointment with my migraine neurologist. Who was worried that the spot might have been caused by a stroke.

We may have the world's first case of the Intertubes convincing someone that their symptoms were LESS worrisome than they really were.

I'll spare you the worry - I didn't have a stroke. Neither on Monday morning, or when the doctor told me I may have had one. 

But how embarrassing would that have been? Imagine the Facebook update.

The bad news is I had a stroke, but the good news is I still look great in an eye patch.

So I went to my opthamologist who sent me to a retina specialist who determined that the spot is some blood that leaked through a crack in my retina. Apparently, that can happen when you're as nearsighted as I am. (Another thing that can happen is being led around the office by hand because you left your glasses home and you had to take your contacts out for the exam and treatment. Good times.)

Oh yes, the treatment. I got an injection in my eyeball to help break down the spot. I got the Clockwork Orange eyelid opener things that felt like they were going to pop out of place and fly across the room at any moment. I asked the doctor beforehand how much I'd actually feel the needle and he said it would be only 5% pain and 95% instinctual terror. (I'm paraphrasing here.) It may have been more like 10% pain, but then again, the holy fuck sensation that accompanies having a needle inserted in the eyeball tends to intensify feelings of pain.

I also had the doctor reassure me that my eyeball wasn't going to pop like a balloon when he stuck a needle in it. Intellectually, I understand the anatomy of the eyeball, but on a gut level, I was still betting on pop like a balloon.

It didn't pop. The doctor kept telling me I was doing great, I guess by not screaming or running out of the room. Go me.

So that was fun. 

The little kids pointing at me and saying "pirate!" ? That's pretty damn awesome.


  1. You DO look awesome in an eyepatch! Too bad this didn't happen a month and a half ago, 'cause then you would have been all set up for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. :)

  2. Is it wrong that I find this whole post hysterical and can't stop giggling? Then I don't want to be right.

    And you do look fabulous in an eyepatch.

  3. jeebus is right. Hasn't he heard of Valium? I'd demand an IV of the stuff.


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