The Setting: A festive family gathering in honor of my cousin Caitlin's birthday. The same menu as the annual corned beef fest, but with a more intimate guest list (translation: less than everybody we've ever met ever). Ain't no party like a corned beef party.
Me: [quietly] Mom, why is Dad wearing suspenders and a belt?
Mom: [shrugs the shrug to end all shrugs, a shrug that conveys the futility of trying to understand my Dad, a shrug meant to remind me that some of us are just more Asperger's than others.] Go ahead, ask him.
Me: Dad, why are you wearing suspenders* and a belt?
Dad: Let me put it very simply. [pause long enough for us all to contemplate how this is in no way going to be simple explanation**] The suspenders are to hold my pants up, and the belt is to hold my pants together because my previous pants*** were missing a button.
* Let the record show that they were stars and stripes suspenders, so faded that they may actually have been purchased for the bicentennial.
** Nothing that is actually put simply begins with a six word preamble. I get tons of blog material out of stuff my Dad says, but I could never start a Twitter feed, a la Shit My Dad Says because nothing my father has ever said EVER has been 140 characters or less.
*** So he was wearing a belt because the pants he was wearing the day before (henceforth to be referred to as "previous pants") required a belt. He also said something about having lost some weight now that he finally has his diabetes under control after three decades, but I failed to grasp how that situation was more than the suspenders could handle.
And now we see once again why my brother lives way the hell over in another time zone. Because of previous pants.