Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Girl on the Subway

Subway, New York
When you get on the subway, you have only a few seconds to select a seat. I live just far enough out in Brooklyn that there may be several empty seats when the train arrives, but if you consider your seating options for more than five seconds, you'll be shit outa luck and standing.

So last Friday, I chose quickly and got a seat, but boy, did I choose wrong. Or right, since I'd clearly stumbled on a situation so blog-worthy that I was tempted to pull out a notebook and start writing on the spot.

At the end of each subway car there's seating for 4 people facing each other. In this spot, there were two girls, let's say in their mid-teens since it was the middle of the morning and they didn't seem to have to be anywhere. They were sitting opposite each other, one with a shopping bag on the seat next to her, the other with a crumpled McDonald's bag on the seat next to her. I sat next to McD's girl. I assumed they were not together because usually when people are together they sit next to each other so that they can keep talking to each other when the train fills up.

I was mistaken.

At first, I was able to ignore their conversation, because it was drowned out by the smell coming from the McDonald's bag. It smelled like the ghost of artificial maple syrup, so I guess she had one of those egg/pancake sandwiches. But then the smell was banished by the Tourette's-like squeals she punctuated her conversation with.

First I listened more intently to make sure that she didn't actually have Tourette's and that she was just making annoying teenager noises. Secondly, I thanked all the interested deities that I didn't have a headache, because that would've suuuuuucked. Thirdly, I considered screeching out of the blue to show her how annoying it was. But then I realized that she was clearly the sort of person who would decide that *I* was the crazy, annoying one and I was not about to spend the rest of my ride listening to her go on and on to her friend all the way on the other side of the train about how rude I am.

And then I heard her say this gem:

My teachers tell me that I have to read if I want to write, but no, I don't. I've only read 2 books. I read A Child Called It all the way through. I don't even like to reread what I wrote myself. That's why I'm going to get a professional editor.

In retrospect, I should've handed her my card and quoted my rates for editing.

You know, I honestly don't know whether to be appalled at her sense of entitlement or impressed by it. I mean, is it a sign of feminist progress that girls now think that the world owes them accolades just for showing up? Yes, it's delusional, but is it progress that such delusion is no longer solely the domain of male privilege? Obviously, it would be better if no one had their head up their ass, but isn't equally distributed idiocy a slight improvement?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Thank Giuliani

sid&nancySo for the last few weekends before The Kid moves in with us, we're picking her up on Friday afternoon, and dropping her off Sunday evening so we have nice, long weekends together. Since HA has to work for part of Friday, we decided that it makes the most sense for us to pick up a Zipcar (rental car by the hour) in Manhattan instead of me getting one in Brooklyn near home, then driving an hour into midtown traffic (oh dear God no) to pick him up at the office before heading upstate. So we picked a lot at 53rd and 8th avenue, way over on the west side.

This means that we have to return the car there, then take The Kid to the subway to get home. My thought the morning before we did this the first time was that I was going to have to hold her hand the entire way to ensure that no one kidnapped her into a life of prostitution. And then I remembered that it isn't the 1980s anymore. And that area is perfectly safe.

Yes, Giuliani was a bit of a fascist and I couldn't wait for him to stop being mayor, but cleaning up Times Square and the surrounding 10 block radius really did need to be done. Hell, people, I remember riding in a car after seeing the circus at Madison Square Garden in the late 80s and a prostitute stepped out in front of the car advertising her wares even though the driver (my uncle) was clearly not alone. In th afternoon. Fortunately, explaining the entire incident to my little cousin was easy because she'd heard the word "ho" on Blossom. And who said sitcoms weren't educational?

Of course, getting the strip clubs and hookers out of Times Square meant that they relocated to the outer boroughs, which was probably more convenient for their clientele, but not so much for people who have escort services running out of the house next door.

Digression: In my days as a volunteer EMT, I took one of a mother-daughter madam team to the hospital (I don't remember which). I had no idea what they were because I was just paying attention to the sick person, but they did have several cordless phones on the tables, which seemed odd. One of the other EMTs noticed that they had a spreadsheet on the table with all the different client's kinks, so clearly I was missing out by focusing on taking this woman's blood pressure.

Anyhoodle, my other pro-Giuliani bugaboo is about the lower east side. I mean, yeah, the luxury apartments across the street from Katz's Deli are clearly a sign that gentrification has gone way too far. But goddamit, that place was a shithole in the 90s. I know people adore Rent, and the songs are great, but Jesus H, how is the villain the guy who's trying to make the area safe and non-disgusting for the artists? I remember visiting a friend in Alphabet City and being warned that I may have to climb over crack dealers to get into the building. Now you have to climb over hipsters, which may not seem like an improvement, but it is.

A little gentrification can be a good thing. I lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn in the early aughts. Have you ever shopped in a poor people supermarket? There's grey meat and moldy cheese in the refrigerator cases. The entire "fresh" meat section smells funny, and you want to believe that it's because of the pig's feet, but in your heart of hearts, you know that *something* in the meat department has gone off and that shopping there means that you're taking chances. So you buy your groceries near work, drag them home on the subway and wonder when your neighborhood will gentrify enough for you to start buying you food closer to home.

I know so many transplants to New York who lament the changes, who miss the grit. Who weren't actually here to witness the grit. It's almost surefire way to tell that someone isn't actually from here.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Dispatches from the Road

You'll recall my parents from their adventures at Burning Man. I, of course, recall them from the years they spent raising me/installing the amusing and entertaining package of neuroses that kept my therapist in cute shoes for many years.

For the past few summers, they've gone on a three-week road trip across the US, including a stop to visit my brother in Austin, where he keeps them fed and watered and away from overly large fires. Because he's not going to push his luck after managing to not break them at Burning Man. This year's trip included a stop in Colorado for my dad's cousin's daughter's wedding.

This past trip, my Dad emailed me, my brother, and my Aunt Bea (my mom's sister) every night from the road. And now, with permission (and with necessary explanations inserted where possible), I will share them with you.

Three bits of necessary explanation before we begin. 1. They bought a Prius shortly before leaving, and as you may know, they get amazing mileage. 2. HA and I have been renting a Prius to visit The Kid. 3. Unlike my Dad, we have been paying exactly zero attention to the miles per gallon we're getting because on every trip we're just trying to fucking get there already.

As I like to say at DWNY (Doctor Who NY) gatherings, some of us are more Asperger's than others. In my mother's defense, she hasn't seen these emails even though Dad signed her name to them. For all we know, they have a team blog that she doesn't know about either.

6/17 Here we are.
We have stopped for the night in Carlisle, PA. We bought gas in NJ and three weeks of back and forth to school and down the NJ tpke took only 4 gallons of gas for almost 200 miles. My own calculations tell me the pump shut off one gallon short which means 40 miles to the gallon not 50. In any event another 120 miles had the car indicating 45.3 miles per gallon. Obviously we are delighted with the results.

We feel we have made a good start for the trip so we will not have to drive mega hours during the week.

Take care of one another. An extra hug for each of you from us. Love to all of you.

Mom and Dad

Jen's commentary: Riveting, right? It really brings the trip alive. Imagine it being read in voiceover during a Ken Burns documentary.

6/18 Here we are...600+
HELLO All,

Here we are in Dayton,Ohio. We are roughly 600+ miles into our trip. Our gas mileage is quite remarkable. The best numbers we saw today was 47.8 mpg. We ended the day at 47.6 mpg. By leaving on Sunday we got enough of a head start so we will not have to push getting top Colorado on time.

BTW Bea, how did you and Brian make out with the orthopedist? We hope Brian is feeling better.

Love to all of you,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: Apparently either my Uncle Brian or my cousin Brian needed to go to the orthopedist, but the injury wasn't severe enough for anyone to bother telling me. Then again, a bus once fell on this specific uncle, so one would imagine that all other injuries pale in comparison.

6/18 from Jen to Dad
Hi Dad,

How are the non-mileage parts of the trip? Any good restaurants? Roadside Elvis sightings?

Jen

6/19 Tuesday Night
Ok. We are in St. Charles, MO. Just past St. Louis. We hope to get to Durango either Thursday evening or Friday Morning. Planned stop in mid Kansas tomorrow night and hopefully into Durango by Thursday night or early Friday morning.

As for Elvis, no sightings.

As for restaurants, Sunday evening in Carlisle, PA, we had dinner at the Middlesex Diner. It is a full service diner with a very complete menu along with a special menu for Father's Day. Last night we had dinner at O' Charley's. This is a chain restaurant which has a Louisiana Sirloin with a Cajan rub and a spicy garlic and cayenne butter that is a delight to the palete. Lunch yesterday was at Cracker Barrel which was up to their usual standard. Today were had lunch at an Arby's where Mom had the Ultimate BLT.

Dinner tonight was at a Denny's since we wanted to eat a lighter meal.

Love to everyone from Loretta and

Jen's commentary: Seriously, he just cut off like that. Did he fall asleep on the Send button? Was he attacked by a passing armadillo, but managed to send the e-mail before fending it off? I'll never know.

6/21 Trinidad Colorado?
Yes Colorado not the Carribean. After two long days pushing on to Wichata Kansas and Trinidad Colorado we are within striking distance, 261 miles, 4.5 hours of driving to Durango. We saw entirely too much of Kansas. We chose to leave Garmin's route to go south from Dodge City Kansas. This saved a bunch of miles buy put us in the middle of the most desolate territory we ever saw. Mom said she wanted to see Kansas but not that much. 98% of the time we saw fields on both sides of the road and little else. Almost no traffic on the rood. The high points were seeing grain elevators and at one. a grain filled train of about 100 hopper cars.

There was even less traffic once we got to Colorado but mountains in the distance greatly improved our view. While it was the road less traveled it was faster as long as you did not need a bathroom. Loretta was happy that she was not chased by tractor trailers in Colorado.

I tried to write last night in Wichata, but the Wifi did not let me address the e-mail.

Bea, we hope Brian continues to improve.

Love to you all,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: Mom reports that Dad almost lost his mind at the hotel clerk when the hotel WiFi didn't work. Apparently, sending these emails were as critical to the success of their trip as actually getting to Durango, CO in time for the wedding.

6/22 Durango at last
Here we are safe and sound in Durango, Colorado. We are getting ready to attend the rehearsal dinner/casual BarBQue. More later.

Love to all,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: No, I don't know when he started spelling barbecue that way or why. Aunt Bea replied to all that Brian was just about healed, but didn't say which Brian or what he had healed from. The mystery continues.

6/24 From Durango to Four Corners to the Grand Canyon...almost
We started from Durango when rett returned from Church. There was much discussion regarding US 160 and the Mancos fire. We saw the fire start Friday night and it got worse and worse. We got lucky with the road open. When we got to the border we stopped at the four corners monument where the states of Colorado, Arizona, Utah and New Mexico come together. We both got to stand on all four states at the same time. This is kind of ironic. The place where four states of the United States come together is in Navaho Indian Territory. After a little shopping at booths of Native American artists it was on to the Grand Canyon. We stopped for the night at a trading post in Cameron Arizona just short of our goal.

We tour the Grand Canyon tomorrow then we will stay in Williams AZ tomorrow night. We plan to go on to Prescott, AZ for a visit with my uncle Steve. We hope to go on to Mesa, AZ and visit my uncle Aaron.

Love and Hugs to you from us.

Mom and Dad
Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: I don't even know what's up with the double signature there. I'm sure it makes perfect sense to my Dad, but I'm way too freaked out that he has an uncle Steve who I've never heard of. Ever. Uncle Aaron, yes. We used to live down the block from him. Before we moved off that street and he moved to Arizona. And we sent him a DVD of our wedding since he couldn't make it in. But Steve? Never heard of him.

6/26 Now in Mesa Arizona
Last night after a fabulous day at the Grand Canyon, seeing the canyon, learning about the Geology and the formation of the canyon, visiting a museum of ancient inhabitants of the canyon and then visiting the ruins of what we saw in the museum and then visiting the geology museum overlooking the canyon, we were all tuckered out. It was so beautiful it was almost unbelievable.

After spending the evening and early morning in Williams, Arizona, the center of the Route 66 memorabilia, we headed for Prescott Arizona, home of my uncle Steve. He has become an expert in making videos out of still photos. His current project is working with photos of the Grand Canyon. He showed us some of his work and gave us a copy of a Blu-Ray disk of the work. Loretta said she will use it along with DVD's we purchased at the gift shops as part of her lessons in the fall.

We then moved on to Mesa, Arizona where my uncle Aaron lives. We were too tired to see him today so made arrangements to see him tomorrow.

More tomorrow.

Love to all,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: So we're back to the single signature, presumably because Dad has remembered that his children know their first names. But he hasn't remembered that we have no idea who his Uncle Steve is. Mom is a science teacher, hence the mention of lessons. I'm not even going to count how many times he used the word "canyon," but it seems excessive, yes?

6/28 Back up in Northern Arizona
So we left the hotel in Mesa and went to see my Uncle Aaron and his wife Paula in Leisure World. Paula was busy in her jewelry workshop so Aaron took us on a tour of Leisure World. We saw a few homes and then went to the Recreation Center. We met up with Paula and then saw the wood shop, fitness center and other facilities there. After picking up Paula we went to lunch and then departed for the Meteor Crater which is located between Flagstaff and Winslow.

We decided to stop in Flagstaff and set out for the Meteor Crater in the morning. After dinner we did some laundry and called it a day. That's why I'm doing this e-mail so late.

The weather here has been extremely HOT! 107 degrees yesterday and 111 today. While driving North we encountered a small rain shower, (less than a dozen drops hit the windshield.) We are hoping that by being in Northern Arizona we will escape the worst of the heat wave from the south.

So be well all of you, hugs and kisses all around.

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: Yes, there is a retirement community in Arizona called Leisure World. In my mind, it should be 1960s Vegas lounge singer chic, which I'm sure it isn't. I love how shocked he sounds that it's fuck all hot in Arizona in the summer. And we're from the Northeast--since when is a dozen drops a rain shower? I would've suspected that road madness was setting in, but they'd just been hanging at Leisure World.

6/28 on Route 66 in Gallop, New Mexico
We had a very interesting day today. We left Flagstaff and arrived in the early AM at the Meteor Crater. 50,000 years ago a meteorite traveling 26,000 miles per hour hit the earth and created a huge crater. Originally thought to be a volcanic eruption it was later determined to be the result of a meteorite impact. We then went on to Gallup, New Mexico where we chose to spend the night.

More tomorrow,

Hugs to all.

Love,

Loretta and Art

Jen's Commentary: In other words: science, science, science, OK bye.

6/29 Santa Fe, New Mexico
We had a relatively quiet day today. Left Gallup heading east on I40. We decided to check out the native american market outside the palace of the governors in Santa Fe. There was a gift shop on the square as well and the qift shop of the New Mexico Museum of Art. Both shops had items that caught our eyes.

Then we found a Quality Inn with a Chinese restaurant attached and we stopped for the night.

That's it for now.

Hugs all around.

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: If it's so fucking hot in the Southwest, why are they spending so much time there? A Chinese restaurant in New Mexico? I can't even.

6/30 From Santa Fe New Mexico to Sweetwater Texas
Finally in Texas. We spent the day on the road for the most opast of the day. We stopped in Sweetwater TX, with just under 250 miles to go to Austin.

We hope to arrive at [brother and sister-in-law's] house in the late afternoon.

Nothing else to report now.

Good Night and hugs all around.

Love,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: yeah, I hear Texas is big and requires much driving to traverse.

7/1 Austin at last
We finally made it to D&M's house. Dave took us out to dinner at an excellent Italian restaurant not far from the house.

That's it for now we are both exhausted.

Bye for Now

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: Italian food in Texas? Yeah, fine whatever. When they got back, Mom told me that it was run by transplanted New Yorkers and that they give you extra to take home and they each got something like 3 meals out of that one dinner. So I guess it's good that the food was actually good because having tons of leftover crappy food sucks. Also? My brother has managed to win my parents over his opinion that you can't get good Tex Mex food in Austin. Have I mentioned that my brother is a curmudgeon whose taste buds have lost their minds?

7/5 On the Way Home
We left Austin today and headed for Texarkana Arkansas using a route designed to avoid the rush hour traffic in Dallas. However the route involved so many towns where we had to slow down we did not make it out of Texas today. We stopped in Atlanta, Texas. We missed Arkansas by "that much."

Tomorrow we continue our trip home. Our goal is to arrive Sunday or Monday.

We'll see you soon.

Love to all,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: Apparently, Dad was having so much fun visiting my brother that email reports were unnecessary. Or as my brother would put it, Dad was so busy driving him crazy that he didn't have time for email reports. To which I say, Dude, you're the one who moved halfway across the country so that you had to take your dose of parents all at once. I get them more often, but in much smaller doses, so neener.

7/6 A 10 mile backup on the road!!
We were pushing on this second day of our trip home, our goal was to get a bit past Nashville. However we encountered a ten mile backup with little or no progress for over a half hour.

When we finally saw the reason for the delay we understood the delay. A FedEx double trailer had left the road and overturned. The first trailer was intact but on its side. The second trailer was also on its side but had lost its wheels. The cab of the tractor was totally destroyed. It looked like a major extrication case cut the cab apart. Mom thinks she saw an ambulance leave the scene presumably with the FedEx driver as their patient.

So we concluded the drive for the day about 20 miles short of Nashville.

Hugs to everyone.

Love,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: We got this right after getting stuck in ridiculous traffic by Yankee stadium on our way to pick up The Kid for an afternoon visit at our place. Thanks to this traffic, we got to spend all of an hour and 45 minutes in our apartment with the kid and that was only because the people picking her up were 45 minutes late. So my reaction to this news was less than sympathetic.

7/7 Wytheville, VA
This morning we went to get gas. We encountered a FedEx driver. We had learned that the driver of the truck that went off the road yesterday did not survive. We expressed our condolences and got involved in a long discussion.

We were then able to hit the road. We aimed for some point on I-81 between Bristol,
Tennesee and Roanoke, Virginia and ended up about in the middle, Wytheville, VA.

As of now, we expect to arrive home on Monday. The Weather Channel is predicting severe weather for Pennsylvania and New Jersey tonight and possibly tomorrow. We hope to get through without any problems.

That's it for now. Hugs all around.

Love,

Loretta and Art

Jen's commentary: How do they manage to always do this? They were both volunteer EMTs for 20 years, so car accidents, etc are total their thing. Of course they'd just happen to run into someone who could tell them that the driver in the accident died. And of course I would have to have this information relayed to me. This was dinner time conversation while I was growing up.

7/8 Carlisle, PA
After a full day of driving we stopped in Carlisle, PA. It's the same place we stopped on our first day of travel.

We expect to be home tomorrow afternoon. ......

So...G'nite,,,Hugs all around.

Love,

Loretta and Art

Jen's Commentary: And that's it. They called everyone when they got home, so there was no need for one last email. And when they called, I said, "but the mileage?! What about the mileage?" They scored something like 47.6 miles per gallon, so yay them.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Mother of all Buzzkills

finish adoptionSomeone recently asked me if we're doing an adoption shower (like a baby shower, but without the childbirth horror stories...aaaaaaand I think we've figured out why I wasn't upset by my infertility. That and the other baby shower ritual--my Aunt Bea (a nurse) turning to me and saying, "we want to deliver yours." meaning her and my mom (an EMT), which, yeah, no.)

Anyhoodles, no, we're not doing an adoption shower. Or any sort of welcome to the family party, which is the first thing my extended family started talking about when we told them about our adoption plans. This just isn't something to celebrate. Not from the kid's point of view.

Think of this way: people keep saying how lucky our kid is to be adopted by us. You know what lucky would be? If her original set of parents hadn't screwed the pooch so badly that she ended up in this position at all. I can't even say that we're the next best thing, since her time since the system intervened has been less than awesome. So we're what? The pot of gold at the end of a really crappy rainbow? The safe harbor at the end of an arduous journey she should never have had to take?

Our kid wants to be adopted, but still, I expect that moving in with us will involve some grief for everything she's losing--a familiar foster home with dogs she loves, a familiar school setting, plus grief for everything she lost ages ago. You don't throw a party the weekend that happens.

Another buzzkill is that the process is uncertain and out of your hands until you're matched with a kid. In our case, we were the only potential parents being considered for our kid for months before we knew that we were it. Some agencies don't make a decision until after you've met the kid. It's really hard to tell when you can celebrate that you have a kid, because you don't know THAT you have a kid. Every time I updated my parents on the situation, I told them not to get too excited because I couldn't deal with their disappointment on top of my own.

And even once we were matched with our kid, I couldn't forget what a long, difficult road we have ahead of us. How do you celebrate when you're reading books about parenting traumatized kids?

But still...there is cool stuff. Like how awesome her room looks (she selected the bed set and curtains herself). And all the fun stuff we'll be doing like introducing her to NYC and just playing board games and doing craft projects so the three of us can bond. And how she comes with sarcasm pre-installed (me: Do you want to make ice cream next weekend? her: That shouldn't even be a question.).

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Open Letter to People Who Need To Fuck Off

People seem to like these, and I like writing them so here goes.

To the landscapers mowing my neighbor's lawn with that really loud lawn mower:
Where the fuck do you think we are, the suburbs? Hold it the hell down, will you? Yeah, I know you're underpaid and have to get on to the next client, but that lawn is so small that you could use a push mower and not break a sweat. If it's barely big enough to hide a body in, it doesn't require a power mower.

To the guy who uses a leaf blower to clean the sidewalk in front of my apartment building:
Dude, the guy at the building next door uses a broom. I've seen him. The bricks on the outside of our building are visibly blushing in embarrassment. And could you take down the huge Christmas decoration in the lobby? Could this year be the one when all of last year's decorations come down before it's time to put up this year's? Please?

To my health insurance company:
In your infinite lack of wisdom, you have decided that I'm only allowed 8 migraine rescue pills a month. Even though my doctor prescribed more. Even though they come in a package of 9, so my pharmacist has to open the package, rip one segment off of the sheet and set it aside for the next poor slob. You do realize that I have more than 8 migraines a month, right? More than 9 even? You know this because of al the documentation I had to send you about my 15 migraine days a month that qualified me for you to pay for the Botox that did nothing. And one migraine may require more than 1 pill--it says so on the package. But I don't even always take the first pill because I have to make them last and I have to judge if THIS migraine is bad enough to merit a magic pill before it's even really gotten going because by then it's too late.

So I guess on those other days, I can go fuck myself? Oh, but I can't. Because I have a massive headache. Assholes.

And this shit is generic. It's like $1.50 a pill. And why do you get to decide how much I get anyway? I can see you making a policy that says you're only going to pay for 8 pills a month, but why do you get to say that I can't pay the big extra buck fifty for that ninth pill if I want to?

You do realize that I might not have even tried the expensive Botox if you had just let me have more rescue pills, right? But heaven forfend we be cost effective.

To my upstairs neighbor:
Whatever the hell that is, turn it the fuck down. The rest of us who are home during the day are trying to work. Oh, and I heard you screaming at your wife at 1 am a couple of months ago loud and clear. Since you asserted quite loudly that you didn't care that the whole neighborhood could hear, I have been quite tempted to share you words with the world. You did not come across well at all. If only I were on more social terms with the rest of the building's residents, we could start a betting pool on when she's going to leave you and take the kid (or, even better, kick you out on your selfish, entitled ass).

Also, I'm trying to figure out how baby in the apartment = loud TV in the middle of the afternoon blaring action movies and definitely not children's programming. I did have a traumatic calculus experience in college, so my math skills are not what they once were. Perhaps you could explain it to me.

To the roaches in my apartment:
Dudes, what the fuck? It was bad enough when you started to make inroads into the bathroom. But the living room? Who the fuck invited you in there? Get your crawly little asses back into the kitchen and then back outa my apartment tout de suite, or I will reinstate the bug whacker, a rolled-up magazine wrapped in duct tape. Hot pink duct tape. If you thought your departed brethren suffered when I sprayed vinegar on them, just wait until crush you little motherfuckers.

Goddammit. what is this city coming to?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Cheers and Jeers

I have many blog posts planned, many of which are never going to happen. I mean, seriously, does anyone really think that I'm going to start a series of posts where I parse those pictures with text everyone shares on Facebook which are well intentioned, but are actually kind of asinine? You know the ones, they mean to comfort people that their late mothers are in Heaven, but say that moms are washing windows in the afterlife because they don't even get a break when they're dead. Have I met me? I hate these things just enough to complain about them to my husband, but not enough to make the effort to write a post and hurt people's feelings.

I can barely accomplish anything lately what with all the driving 4 hours+ every weekend to visit my kid. This isn't parenting, it's dating. And very disorienting.

So, since I can't compose a coherent post, here's some Cheers and Jeers, or Things That Don't Suck, and Things That Do.

Jeers to the traffic at the George Washington Bridge last weekend. Apparently, there was a Yankee home game about an hour after I needed to be crossing that bridge and people still think it's a good idea to approach the stadium in a car even though there's a subway station right there that is much better suited to handling the tens of thousands of people. We were's going 2 mph at some points. So fuck all y'all.

Jeers to Hector the Migraine Fairy for visiting me on the 4th of July. I believe the official migraine trigger was Don Knott's voice in the episode of The Andy Griffith Show we were watching in honor of the great man's passing. Damn that Barney Fife.

Cheers to TCM for showing 1776 on the 4th. Some people like to see Yankee Doodle Dandy every year, but for me, it's gotta be this scene (filmed at a stage production. The film version isn't online.):


Who doesn't love Ben Franklin singing and dancing? And the Franklinettes? I mean, really?

Cheers to there still being hot dogs at the food co-op when I sent His Awesomeness there when it became apparent that I wasn't going to recover in time for us to go out to the cookout at my aunt's house. And raspberries. Those were nice.

Jeers to the vertigo that keeps sneaking up on me whenever I try to stretch my neck. Dude, back the fuck off. Uncool. Back off or I'll pelt you with...I don't know...something. It'll hurt. Pelting is never good.

Jeers to me for having no idea whether I watered the houseplants last weekend. Hang in there little fellas.

Cheers to the houseplants for looking fine even if I didn't water them, so whatever.

Cheers to my good friend Orenthal for letting me do a guest post about last week's episode of Longmire on his pop culture blog Multimedium Rare. Even if Longmire isn't your thing, do pay him a visit. He writs about lots of stuff.

So what are your cheers and jeers?