Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Open Letter to Inaniminate Things That Need to Fuck Off

Rainbow Nails
Photo credit LelĂȘ Breveglieri

To Nail polish:
Do you have something against my fingernails? Are you deliberately trying to get away from me? Because that seems to be the only explanation for how I can do my nails while sitting on the couch, watching TV, and then my nails chip before I get up. It can't be from all the strenuous sitting there I'm doing. Yes, TCM's 31 Days of Oscar does lead to some watching of heavy-duty movies. But that shouldn't affect my fingernails.

To Google Reader:
You make keeping up with all the blogs I like to read easy. But when I check the little box marked "Keep Unread," I mean it. I don't mean keep this post unread for a while until you decide that I've left it there for too long and don't deserve to have it still waiting for me any more. Yes, I know I'm way behind on The Walking Dead, but we were in no condition to give it the attention it deserved in November. And I like to read Tom and Lorenzo's recaps after watching the episode. But you decided to stop keeping those posts waiting for me so I had to go to their site and search for them. Dude, you're Google. You're not supposed to turn on me like that.

To Clock Radios:
OK, what is up with your iffy radio reception? You know, because it's nice to wake up to music, but not so nice when it's staticy music. And no one has touched that dial. And then I reach to adjust the dial and you use my body as an antenna or something and the radio station comes in clear again, thereby making any dial adjusting futile. And then the next day, the radio reception is fine again. What's up with that? Is it the phase of the moon? The barometric pressure? The relative humidity in the 5 square feet surrounding the clock radio? This has happened with every clock radio I've ever had, so I really feel that I'm owed an explanation.

To Bottles of Environmentally Friendly, Super Concentrated Laundry Detergent:
Love you, mean it. But. Detergent was less concentrated back when I was learning important life skills, such as estimating whether or not I had enough detergent left in the bottle to do the latest batch of laundry. This whole super-concentrated thing is just throwing me off. Now, yeah, the food co-op is just around the corner, so running out to buy a bottle is no big deal. But when I go to the co-op, buy a new bottle of environmentally friendly, super concentrated detergent, plus a few other items, then get on line behind not one, but two people who are buying enough food to feed a family of four for a month, come home, catch my breather because I'm out of shape from being sick in bed for two weeks, take the laundry down to the laundry room and then discover that there was enough detergent in the old bottle after all, you make me long for a big wasteful bottle of Tide (which is totally street currency now, btw). Is it really too much to ask for some markings on the outside of the bottle indicating how many washes I have left? And yes, most people would just buy a backup bottle when the bottle is running low, but I can't seem to get my act together to that point, so get off my back, environmentally friendly, super concentrated detergent.

Add your own items that need to fuck off in the comments.

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