Friday, March 15, 2013

Open Letter to People Who Need to Fuck Off

To the woman who went into the handicapped stall in the ladies room:
Seriously? You see a fat woman wearing a coat carrying two bags entering the ladies room right behind you and you still take the biggest stall? Even though you work in the building and are carrying nothing and are a skinny little thing? And you have to know from experience that there really wasn't enough room in the other stalls for all my stuff. Why? So you wouldn't have to suffer me and all my stuff walking past you?

Someday you will need to use the handicapped stall because you have a large suitcase, or maybe a couple of kids, or maybe even a not-too-visible handicap that makes using the higher toilet necessary. And when that time comes, some mere slip of a girl will jump in ahead of you, forcing you to wait or use a different stall. It's the circle of life, but with inconsiderate, unthinking people. The Circle of Jerks, without all the wanking.

To whoever designed the bathrooms in the building where the above happened:
Seriously, fellas and/or ladies? You have three stalls in there: one handicapped, one a little smaller than standard and one so narrow that I'm wondering if you designed it for people from a two-dimensional universe who are therefore flat. You couldn't have gone with two comfortably-sized stalls because why? Or made the sink area smaller? Or put a freaking coat hook anyplace in the entire bathroom besides inside the handicapped stall? You should have to mock these things up life-seized in cardboard and move around in the space before you sign off on building such a lousy design.

To the woman who got annoyed in Barnes & Noble that the sales clerk kept getting in the way of you surreptitiously taking pix of books so you could request them from the library, i.e. ME:
Dude, seriously? That whole shelving books thing is his job and you were not there to buy anything. I know how broke you are, but that's not going to keep Barnes & Noble in business, now is it? Chill the fuck out, me. And yes, he was moving so quickly that if you had been there to buy something, he would've jangled your nerves so badly that you would've had to leave empty-handed anyway. But you used to rush around like a crazy person in your 20s, annoying the hell out of everyone around you, even people your own age, so karma.

To the people responsible for the existence of whipped, spreadable cottage cheese:
(Note: if you are one of the people who eats spreadable cottage cheese, please don't fuck off, and instead explain the appeal and what you spread it on in the comments.)
Ew. Just, ew. Why would you think I, or anyone, needed such a product? This seems like something you'd dream up while hung over and out of cream cheese, but not cottage cheese for some reason. Why are you taking up valuable shelf space from other, more appealing, types of cottage cheese? Because you know what happens? Everyone buys all the normal cottage cheese, leaving this weird whipped stuff so if I need cottage cheese and that's all that's left, I have to buy it. And eat it. With a spoon  - you cannot make me spread cottage cheese on things. I am a New Yorker, goddamit. Do not fuck with me.

Anyone you want to tell off? Share in the comments.


  1. At least the whipped cottage cheese doesn't have pineapple chunks in it, right?

  2. Yes, pineapple chunks are even wrong-er.

  3. No sorry pineapple chunks are what make cottage cheese good. That said the people that need to fuck off are the people that don't give you the "thank you wave" when you let them in the flow of traffic or something otherwise nice while driving.


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