Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The Doppelgänger

Wierd Scene
Photo credit: Jesse Millan
Last night I saw The Kid's doppelgänger. It was downright spooky. I was at a talk for us creative types and partway through, she moved to a seat in the front row. (Of course we early arrivals all sat in the back. All the better to throw spitballs.)

I was completely shocked. The Doppelg
änger had The Kid's hair - the way it looked best - natural and free, which of course means that The Kid pulled it back into a ponytail while still wet for maximum damage. Doppelgänger had glasses like The Kid, and similar features. She looked so like The Kid that I was tempted to talk to her to see if she were one of the relatives that The Kid's been cut off from for years. But I didn't because that would be excessively freaky. And she left before the talk was over.

But I watched her when I could, sitting up there in the front row, devoid of the constant anxiety that plagued The Kid. She draped her arm over the back of a chair, stole glances at a smartphone. Based on the rest of the crowd, she may even be the artist that The Kid could've grown into.

I looked at her and thought that this was the woman my ex future child would never be. I don't think it would be telling too much to say that she didn't fall into happily ever after once she left us. The path she's on now...well I don't see it leading to art school or a job at a design agency.

It's not my fault. It's not hers. It's just how things are.

My therapist says that I need to create a narrative about what happened. Then I'll be able to accept it and move on. Something like: I used to date that jerk because I wasn't making very good choices then because I'd just been dumped and wanted validation from the first guy that came along. Then I got less stupid and dumped him.

But how do you do that with a child? Is there a beginning, middle and end to the story? Can there be an end when her doppelgänger can just walk into the room? Or when hating her like I would an ex-boyfriend, even temporarily doesn't make me feel any better? How do you turn your ex future child into just someone you used to know?

2 comments:

  1. I have followed some but not all of your journey. Hope and love are not bad choices. Ever. Our actions and choices are another story. You may need to tweak your narrative but leave out negative words would be my take on it. Where am I coming from? 3 miscarriages and all the fertility crap that was available then. I have 2 adult children. I love then both but one continually, daily breaks my heart. He is mentally ill. Bipolar, autistic spectrum, ADD, PTSD and I could go on. There are days I wish he was never born and worse... but hate never is in my narrative. To have loved or tried to love is a good thing. Hold it in a special part of your heart, it won't go away anyway. Humor helps and you have tons of that! Good luck.

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    1. Thanks for that. And for what it's worth, Louis C.K. says that he loves his children like crazy, but also sometimes wishes they'd never been born (often while loving them at the same time). So parents of neurotypicals wish their kids didn't exist too--it's one of those things about being a parent that no one discusses.

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