Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Tweet, Tweet

Tweet, tweet, motherfucker.
I'm still here. As is the tendonitis in my shoulder.

I haven't unplugged as I've been icing my shoulder on the couch - I've been clutching my smartphone in my good hand. Which is also my non-dominant hand, so good times.

The one time I wrote a blog post on my phone's Blogger app, it didn't get save. So I'm not doing that again.

Twitter, however, works just fine on my phone. So, here's some of the witty, clever and brilliant things I've been saying. (If you see a bunch of gray lines instead of images displaying tweets, refresh the page.)

Seriously, what's wrong with you people? It's like you don't like sociopaths or something. Also, Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23 is too many words to say, so HA and I refer to it as The Mighty B! which I just discovered was created by Amy Poehler, so now I'm wondering why I've never watched it.

Which is surprising because Zardoz is known as that movie with Sean Connery in a big red diaper. There are some people who think that Zardoz is a brilliant sic fi movie ruined by distractingly bad costume design. These people are wrong.

Still having a sense of humor is how I can tell that my ennui is nothing to worry about.
I mean really. The phrase "Hobby Lobby" should never be uttered by any member of the Supreme Court. It's sullies the dignity of the institution. 

Aaaaaand now I see why I don't have more Twitter followers. Join me on Twitter while I try to be funnier. Or don't. I'll probably do more posts like this just to remind myself that I'm not as funny as I think as am. At least not in 140 characters.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I'm OK. You?

My latest blog absence hasn't been caused by my own illness or ennui. It's just that my Dad was in the hospital and schlepping back and forth took up a lot of time and energy.

He's home now, and several members of my family actually believe that the stubborn SOB is actually going to start following doctors' orders this time. They're so cute. I wish I could bet money on this, because it would be a lucrative stream of income.

Feel free to prove me wrong, Daddoo.

In other news, I finally made it to the Ophthalmologist to get my irritated eye balls looked at. Since he tested my vision, he gave me prescriptions for new contacts and glasses. 

I ordered both online and I feel dirty.

Not because ordering glasses online can be a dodgy affair, but because I'm cheating on my optometrist. I've been seeing the same guy since I was nine years old. I sent him a postcard during my Junior Year Abroad. It's always a delight seeing him, even though I can't see a damn thing after he dilates my pupils.

But the reason I'm wearing really old eyeglasses with the coating coming off, which obscures  my vision which is already bad because the prescription is that when I buy glasses from him, it costs over $500. Which I can't justify spending on glasses I never wear out of the house. Not because I'm vain (which I am), but because every pair of glasses I've ever had press on my nose in just the right way to trigger a migraine if I wear them for too long.

One thing causing the high cost is my insistence on nice looking frames even though no one who isn't married to me is going to see me in them. The other cause is that I'm totes blind, and have a super strong prescription, which is even costlier when I get them thinned down so I'm not sporting the coke bottle look.

So yeah, I'm vain. But I'm also full of hope that the next pair of glasses will be better to wear, and I can start going whole days without contact lenses, which would make my Optho happy. 

And, of course, the glasses I ordered online may not work out, so I'll have to see my optometrist anyway. 

Stay tuned for more of that exciting saga.