Friday, May 9, 2014

Fuck Mother's Day

Can't we, as a society just agree that Mother's Day is a stupid fucking holiday that makes more people miserable than not?

Here's a short list of people who have a hard time on Mother's Day:

  • Bereaved Mothers
  • The Infertile
  • People who had difficult relationships with their moms at best.
  • People who had great relationships with their moms who has since passed away
  • Moms with small kids who have to spend the day visiting their mom and mom-in-law instead of having a day all about them even though raising small kids sucks. (As Stephanie Pearl-McPhee says in her latest book, the way most toddlers treat their moms violates the Geneva Convention.)
  • People waiting for a table so they can get Mother's Day brunch over with.
  • People who can't get the day off to spend time with their kids or moms because everyone in the fucking country has to take their mom to brunch on that one day.
  • Women who have no desire to be a mother, and have to put up with the assumption that all women are supposed to be mothers 365 days a year.
  • Mothers who would like to be treated nicely the rest of the year too.
  • Mothers who have to clean up after their husband's and children's lame ass attempt to make them breakfast.
Is there anyone over the age of 10 not on that list?

I wasn't even that old when I first had issues with the day. I was maybe 7 or 8 when my Dad bought corsages for both me and mom to wear to church. I refused to wear mine because it made zero sense - I wasn't a mother. I explained this to my mom (who for some reason was stuck with talking me into wearing the stupid thing, even though she's not the idiot who bought it), and she shouted, "You're a future mother of America."

I has barely reached the age of reason, yet this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. I've probably heard stupider things since then (thanks, Fox News!) but this is still up there. 

Kudos to my mom for such a remarkable achievement.

Of course, this is not an uncommon sentiment. Yet, a big chunk of feminism can be summed up thus:

Yes, the ability to gestate a human being is neato. But we can do other stuff too. Some of that stuff is even more important or impressive than baby making.

Mother's Day is a homage to heteronormativity. It's this one fucking day where we're supposed to give hardworking moms a break and honor them for ruining their lives. When they wouldn't have to work so hard if their husbands turned off the fucking game and did some housework or childcare. Or if it were more common for single parents to live together Kate and Allie style, so they could share the work. Or if we got some paid maternity/paternity leave and subsidized day care.

But until then, we'll just have to settle for greeting cards and feeling bad because we're not Claire Huxtable.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Comments I Did Not Post on Facebook

This is what I look like when I visit Facebook.
...but totally wanted to. Not all aimed at the same person, natch.

Happy Birthday, person who I haven't seen in 20 years and who used to bully me.

Jeebus, is there anything you can't complain about?

Dude, first world problems are still problems. People are allowed to complain about stuff even though they have reliable access to clean water.

There's a child walking down my street and wailing like they're being dragged to the gas chamber. I'd say that a complete lack of perspective is a childhood thing, but I know too many adults who never grew out of it.

We really need to get together more often because you're so much less pretentious and annoying in person.

Hey casual acquaintance, I really wish I saw you more often, but I know that your social anxiety makes it hard for you to keep up with the friends you already have, so the kindest thing I can do is to never see you in person again.

Thank you for forcing me to see pictures of injured and abused animals. 

Sorry that dog is going to be euthanized today if no one adopts them, but I live 8 states away and I'm allergic. Oh, and neither one of us has any reason to believe that this post is from today and not 3 weeks ago.

Also, you've really got to love animals to adopt a dog from death row and then not regret the decision every time they throw up on your carpet.

I'm sorry your dog died, but since you talk about him/her like it's a person, I had to click around your profile to make sure that you hadn't actually lost a child, so, um, perspective please.

Please tell me the secret to raising such perfect children. Or it is just conveniently misplacing the camera whenever they act like real people?

Thank you for posting a picture of your kids playing and getting dirty. I was starting to think that kids these days only stand around posing for pictures in their church clothes. While hugging their siblings who they adore and never, ever fight with.

Hey, you wanna come to that thing with me? Oh wait, I'm not sure I like you enough to spend an entire afternoon together with just us. Never mind.

Seriously? You believed a news story from some weird web site that no one's ever heard of?

Snopes, mutherfucker! Try checking it some time before posting some crazy shit.

I won't believe what this video shows? I can't believe this video is any more shocking or surprising or impressive than any of the other world's most shocking videos.

OK, your turn - what comments have you wanted to post on FB but didn't because you want people to keep speaking to you?