Monday, May 5, 2014

Comments I Did Not Post on Facebook

This is what I look like when I visit Facebook.
...but totally wanted to. Not all aimed at the same person, natch.

Happy Birthday, person who I haven't seen in 20 years and who used to bully me.

Jeebus, is there anything you can't complain about?

Dude, first world problems are still problems. People are allowed to complain about stuff even though they have reliable access to clean water.

There's a child walking down my street and wailing like they're being dragged to the gas chamber. I'd say that a complete lack of perspective is a childhood thing, but I know too many adults who never grew out of it.

We really need to get together more often because you're so much less pretentious and annoying in person.

Hey casual acquaintance, I really wish I saw you more often, but I know that your social anxiety makes it hard for you to keep up with the friends you already have, so the kindest thing I can do is to never see you in person again.

Thank you for forcing me to see pictures of injured and abused animals. 

Sorry that dog is going to be euthanized today if no one adopts them, but I live 8 states away and I'm allergic. Oh, and neither one of us has any reason to believe that this post is from today and not 3 weeks ago.

Also, you've really got to love animals to adopt a dog from death row and then not regret the decision every time they throw up on your carpet.

I'm sorry your dog died, but since you talk about him/her like it's a person, I had to click around your profile to make sure that you hadn't actually lost a child, so, um, perspective please.

Please tell me the secret to raising such perfect children. Or it is just conveniently misplacing the camera whenever they act like real people?

Thank you for posting a picture of your kids playing and getting dirty. I was starting to think that kids these days only stand around posing for pictures in their church clothes. While hugging their siblings who they adore and never, ever fight with.

Hey, you wanna come to that thing with me? Oh wait, I'm not sure I like you enough to spend an entire afternoon together with just us. Never mind.

Seriously? You believed a news story from some weird web site that no one's ever heard of?

Snopes, mutherfucker! Try checking it some time before posting some crazy shit.

I won't believe what this video shows? I can't believe this video is any more shocking or surprising or impressive than any of the other world's most shocking videos.

OK, your turn - what comments have you wanted to post on FB but didn't because you want people to keep speaking to you?


  1. Forget that - I'm so vain, I bet I think these comments (at least some of them) are about me... :)

  2. "I don't care what Disney Princess, marine mammal, muppet, donut, dwarf from The Hobbit, or anything else you are that comes from one of those lame Facebook quizzes. Ditto your 'real IQ score'."

  3. Love the, "Snopes, mutherfucker! Try checking it some time before posting some crazy shit." I really did say it, minus the profanity ...several times in fact. Got blocked unfriended etc. Should have used the profanity. Go out blazing if you're going down anyway.


  4. "Maybe you should apply this in your own life!" when someone has posted something about turning the other cheek, or being a good person.

  5. "I'm pretty sure that Jesus doesn't care whether or not I share a picture declaring my love for him."

    "Yes, we know that things can spread like wildfire of social media, but can we stop spreading the pictures of kids holding signs that say 'my parents/teacher/coach etc. challenged me to see how far this picture will go'?"


All the cool kids are commenting. Give it a try, it's fun!