Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Notes From the Road

I just got back from visiting the in-laws in the great Midwest. Since plane travel is so ludicrous these days, I had many thoughts that I wanted to tweet. But I didn't because you're not supposed to advertise that you're out of town because burglars.

Not that I think anyone is stalking me online just waiting for their chance to steal our stuff. But if someone had broken in, and I'd live tweeted the security line at the airport, I would've felt like an idiot.

So I just saved all my witty (and not-so-witty) observations for a blog post.

Because why the fuck not? It took my mind off the claustrophobia.

- Got a whole can of soda on the first flight. The low cost of gas, maybe? Though we didn't get the whole can on the second, shorter flight. The mystery continues.

- I'm considering buying a seatbelt extender so I don't have to deal with the flight attendant's hushed tones as she hands it to me, as if there's something shameful about it. I didn't design airplane seatbelts to be too short to fit the largest person who can safely sit in a seat, so what do I have to be embarrassed about?

- Seriously, who designs airplane seats? Or tests them. We took 2 planes. On plane number one I needed a seatbelt extender, but I could comfortably lower the tray table even when the guy in front of me reclined his seat. On plane number two I didn't need a seatbelt extender and the seats were wider than on the other plane, yet there was no way in the unfriendly skies that I was going to be able to lower the tray table. If only it had been a little smaller. If only some designer had realized that they don't feed us anymore so we don't need big tray tables.

- You know how people play video games on the subway with the sound turned on? Because they're the only people on the planet who actually exist or some shit. Well, someone did it on the plane. Either they stopped once we took off or the roar of the engines drowned out the noise. I don't care if it's a kid. Momma needs to mute that shit.

- I found myself getting annoyed at a French family ahead of us in security because they were a bit lost with the whole thing and didn't speak English, and so they had trouble following instructions. Of course, American air travel security rules are cray cray, so it makes perfect sense that people from the rest of the world are unfamiliar with the subtleties of the cray cray, such as which bags go in a bin and which don't.

- Hey, car rental desk guy, I totally understand your need to take your break after dealing with a family of 5, none of whom seem to understand anything about renting cars and only one of which spoke English, but the three people on line who witnessed the whole thing could really use more than one person working the desk. Couldn't you have helped just one person as a palate cleanser?

- His Awesomeness coined a phrase for non-New Yorkers - Floyim. (Derived from goyim, of course) because they live in flyover states. As in, "Floyim sure have nice supermarkets. You can actually get two whole shopping carts down each aisle."

- If a hotel has an indoor water slide, everything else about the hotel will suck. Because people with kids will put up with a lot in exchange for an indoor water slide. 

- I expected our apartment to feel tiny and cramped in comparison to every place we'd been in the past week. But after the plane trip, our apartment seems giant.

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