Monday, September 7, 2015


I wrote this last November, and then didn't publish it because I wasn't sure if there was actually a point to it. So let's just pretend it's 10 months ago.

My Kardashian game character got married on Monday, too.
The groom is wearing a backwards baseball cap because
 all male characters in that game dress like douches.
Monday was my 7th wedding anniversary. To be honest, I wasn't that excited about it. After a week of daily migraines, it didn't look like I'd be up to going out to dinner as is our custom. And it's difficult to get enthusiastic about yet another evening spent on the couch in pain.

But yesterday morning's migraine lifted in time for me to meet His Awesomeness in the city for dinner. Our tradition is eating at a French restaurant because we honeymooned in Paris. 

Our wedding reception was at a restaurant, so we figured we'd just go there every year for our anniversary. But there were major issues with the service which left me so traumatized that we've never been back - even though the owner offered us a free meal to make it up to us. It's taken me this many years to watch the wedding video without getting all worked up about the two hours that passed between the first and second course.

The wedding video. Watching that is the other part of our anniversary tradition. I didn't think it was necessary, but when you're marrying a filmmaker, you're getting a wedding video shot by his friends and edited by himself. And I'm glad we did. As I made my big entrance, I remember thinking, "Everyone I love is here!" (which wasn't strictly true since some people couldn't make it to the ceremony and some couldn't make it at all, but close enough). It's nice seeing all those people gathered in one place again. And watching our vows, toasts and first dance got me into the anniversary spirit.

It's less great seeing some guests' ex-boyfriends who did them wrong. I feel like we should edit the video to add giant cartoon Xs over their faces. Or maybe delete them from certain shots entirely, Stalin-style.

This is the first year that we've had dead people in our wedding video. Two of my parents' oldest friends passed away this year, first the wife, then the husband a few months later. Nice to see them looking younger and healthy.

Not so great to see myself looking younger and healthy. As we watched the ceremony, I apologized at every mention of "in sickness and in health." I've brought a lot more sickness than health to this marriage. A trip to Paris? Might as well plan a trip to the moon. (A week of migraines will make you more than a bit maudlin. Just in time for the Holidays! Whee!)

And there are other anniversaries this week. I started a 5-year journal almost 3 years ago. Its one of those books that has a few lines for each day - deep journaling takes place in a separate book. Every day when I make an entry, I look back at what I wrote on that day in years past. So I get to see that two years ago, we had a horrible day with The Kid. Or a rare good one. All part of the healing process. 

Two years ago yesterday, the day after our wedding anniversary, things hit the fan with The Kid. Two years ago today, we stopped being parents. Will we ever have a wedding anniversary without that hanging over us? Probably. I suspect it'll take a lot more French restaurants. 

Two years ago, the subways were still out from Sandy, so we ate out in the neighborhood. Last year, we went on a rare trip to Target and were too tired to go out afterwards, so we had Indian takeout. Totes romantic. Last night, we went to a Belgian place because we'd been missing this one place and it's close enough. It did feel like a return to tradition. 

I don't even know what to say about these other anniversaries. A crappy thing happened. My health is keeping us from moving on and trying again more than anything psychological or emotional.

The anniversary when The Kid was with us, she went to dinner with us (all potential babysitters were living in flood-damaged houses) and she refused to watch our wedding video with us. At the time, I was equal parts disappointed in her for refusing to join us, and relieved to have a break from her. Now I'm glad not to have a memory of watching our wedding video with her, because that makes it easier to separate the anniversaries. 

I'm still plugging away with the 5 year journal. And although I'm looking forward to starting an entirely new one in 2017, I do enjoy looking back and seeing what we had for dinner on a  certain day, or that he had a cold around this time last year too. I originally planned for my current journal to document us becoming a family. Instead, it's recorded chronic pain and my recovery from my failed attempt at motherhood, and our decision to be a family of two. It contains the storm, and the calm afterwards. And I still hope that the next year and change will give me something extraordinary to jot down before bed.

1 comment:

  1. That's a lot of emotion packed into a short essay. Quite a journey on the road to recovery.


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