1. Double check that you're eligible for a free upgrade by seeing when you ordered your last phone case from etsy.
2. Go to an AT&T store because the last time you upgraded, your husband went to the Apple store and everything got messed up.
3. Give your name to one of the nice young people with uniform t-shirts and tablets milling about.
4. Notice that you are #5 on the waiting list.
5. Regret not going to Starbucks first for your afternoon tea.
6. Notice that there's been some rapid turnover and you're now #1 on the waiting list.
7. Wait 17 minutes for someone to get to you. During this time, notice several employees milling about but not helping anyone. Also notice one person check that the phone the #2 person of the list wants is in stock, and give tech support to the #3 person on the list.
8. Be told several times that you're not eligible for an upgrade after all.
9. Explain that he must be looking at incorrect information.
10. Call husband while the guy gets his manager.
11. Husband explains (while manager is figuring it out for herself) that when he upgraded your phone for you last time and they put the new phone on his number, which you then fixed - this nonsense left some residual confusion on the account. He used your upgrade last year, so now you should be able to use his upgrade.
12. First guy asks which phone you'd like and says that he'll have to check if they have it. He then turns back to ask which color you want as if they had tons of these phones in stock.
13. Tell him you want silver because that sounds nice.
14. Guy comes back and says they're out of silver, but they have gold. His tone implies that there is no way on earth you'd ever want the gold.
15. Agree to gold because who gives a shit? You're getting a case anyway.
16. Manager brings out the one iPhone 5s they have and warns you that "it's on open box" in an ominous tone.
17. Jauntily tell manager to open the box so we can all see if everything's there.
18. Something's missing. Manager declares "I can't sell this" and disappears.
19. First guy comes back and suggests you upgrade online.
20. He apologizes for the long wait and you say something snippy, but leave before you pitch a fit.
21. Because, seriously?
23. Get worked up on your way home.
24. Once home, check deleted emails for that one about a free iPhone if you switch carriers.
25. It's actually only $100 off an iPhone 6 and it's just not worth it to cancel the other contract and pay the fees.
26. Realize that you are AT&T's bitch and will continue to be AT&T's bitch forever as you and your husband are all about the free upgrade.
27. Go to the AT&T website.
28. Retrieve password that the husband can't remember.
29. Sign in and find the page from which you may upgrade.
30. Click on Upgrade next to husband's phone number, assuming that you can transfer his free upgrade to your number in a future step.
31. Discover that you are wrong.
32. Start a Live Chat with customer service.
33. Explain the situation three times while waiting so long for the rep's responses that you begin to suspect your instant messages are being sent via carrier pigeon.
34. Every time you go to a new page, the chat window also refreshes and scrolls down through the entire conversation before you can do anything.
35. Eventually find your way back to the page from which you may upgrade.
36. Click on the Options button next to your own number as instructed by the chat guy who you're starting to suspect is an Incarcerated American.
37. Select a helpful radio button that will let you use the other number's free upgrade on this number.
38. Click Continue in the cheerful, happy pop up window.
39. Select a phone. But wait. This phone that should be free is $250. You could get a Samsung phone for free, but what are you? An animal?
40. Chat Guy has no idea.
41. Repeat steps 35-38 with the same result.
42. Let the chat guy transfer you to the premier support folks, whatever that means.
43. Wait for chat chick and explain the whole problem again because that's actually faster than waiting for her to read the whole chat history.
44. Re-explain the problem because chat chick seems to think it's user error, when you know that it's a website bug.
45. Remind yourself for the tenth time that you shouldn't get mad at your husband for the initial screwup because you told him to go to the Apple store instead of the AT&T store in the first place.
46. Wonder for the 15th time if you should've given up on live chat and just called customer support.
47. No. That way lies madness. When has have you ever emerged from a wireless customer service call with your sanity intact?
48. Remind yourself for the third time that even though TMobile would pay your contract cancellation fee, you left them several years ago for annoying customer service.
49. Consider browsing through cell phone covers on etsy, while waiting for chat chick's responses.
50. Realize that the abundance of options would stress you out even more.
51. Tell husband to go ahead and order takeout for dinner.
52. Worry that you'll still be dealing with this problem long after he gets back with the food in 20 minutes or so.
53. Explain the problem to chat chick again because they have to verify everything you tell them.
54. Chat chick gets the same results when she tries it on her end.
55. Chat chick says that they specialize in site navigation, so you should call customer service.
56. Answer the post-chat survey because this is extremely not OK.
57. Break for dinner.
58. Apply some prophylactic peppermint oil to your forehead to stave off the migraine that's almost sure to come.
59. Have dinner.
60. Drag yourself off the couch and call AT&T because goddamit, you are getting this settled today.
61. Press all the right numbers until you're on hold for a person. Expected wait time = 9 minutes. Actual wait time = 18 minutes.
62. Explain the whole problem again to a chirpy, chatty gal.
63. Chirpy chatty gal manages to get me the phone I want for 99 cents ($1.08 including sales tax). Plus a $45 upgrade fee. The new phone is not actually on your account, but you can allegedly have it activated on your account when it comes.
64. Get wallet because the $1.08 must be paid now. They couldn't possibly add that to the next bill.
65. Rest for the inevitable further problems that will arise when the new phone actually arrives.